by Larry D. Thacker
Life is hard. Yes, life is hard even after life ends.
In fact, from what you’ve probably figured out, life is shit when there’s nothing to do in Purgatory.
Now, I realize you were promised so much more than this “hurry up and wait” routine you’ve gotten saddled with, but I can’t say I have many answers for you at this time.
Word is, hell’s still quite full. Has been for a few hundred years, I’m afraid to admit. We’ve tried a few solutions, so don’t think we’ve not had your best interests in mind.
Most of you newcomers were due here at least ten years ago, so we’ve done you that favor, for what it’s worth.
It’s crowded, yes, I know. But, hell is, too. And hot, as you’d expect, and stinks to
high heaven, and is deafening with the gnashing of teeth and everything the pamphlets promised. Why be in a hurry? This boredom or that?
Heaven, on the other hand, is not terribly full, never has been, and even has a new immigrant clause in effect making entry that much more seemingly impossible, so any of you convinced you were supposed to be there rather than here, or hell, eventually, contact your shift supervisor and get the paperwork process underway.
Don’t worry. You’ve got time. Just keep in mind, God isn’t really interested in any new arrivals. Just letting you know. They don’t call it space for nothing, ya know.
You, there, stop pushing. You’ll notice in your new arrivals welcome bags a few items. The “So you got raptured” self-help manual by our good friend and colleague, Brother and Saint James of Carpathia, two protein bars, and some bottled spring water. And some toilet paper. Don’t trade it all for cigarettes and
tattoos just yet.
As room becomes available in either hell or heaven — don’t hold your breath, though that’s an obsolete phrase here (chuckle) — we’ll be calling your names, last name first, first name last, so be attentive to what’s going on, though we want to relax during your stay.
By the way, we’re taking volunteers for our upgraded demon possession program which gets you a straight delivery back to earth for anyone interested, so prick your finger and come on up if you’ve got, say, unfinished business back on the mainland.
That about wraps up this hour’s announcements. Have a good afternoon.
Larry D. Thacker’s poetry is in over 150 publications including Spillway, Still: The Journal, Valparaiso Poetry Review, Poetry South, The Southern Poetry Anthology, The American Journal of Poetry, The Lake, Illuminations Literary Magazine, and Appalachian Heritage. His books include three full poetry collections, Drifting in Awe, Grave Robber Confessional, and Feasts of Evasion; two chapbooks, Voice Hunting and Memory Train; as well as the folk history, Mountain Mysteries: The Mystic Traditions of Appalachia. His MFA in poetry and fiction was earned from West Virginia Wesleyan College. Visit his website at: larrydthacker.com. On Twitter @thackalachia. On Instagram @thackalachia.
